How To Make A Difficult Decision

As an online therapist, I have a lot of clients coming to me for advice on how to make a difficult decision in their life. So I thought I’d make a quick blog on what I’ve found to be helpful.

Here you go…

While yes pros and cons lists are often great in decision making, they probably aren’t going to help too much when it comes to a really difficult decision.

The decision wouldn’t be a difficult one if there were more pros than cons.

So, what can you do?

One thing that I have tried to focus on, when I have had to make difficult decisions in my own life, is my values. What is it that you value in your life that is effected by this decision?

Let’s say you are deciding between staying where you are and moving to another country. This is a complex big decision with a seriously long list of pros and cons.

Start by looking at what you value in staying and what you really value in leaving.

For example, staying might serve your values of security and familiarity and certainty. Whereas leaving might be in line with your values of being with family and of being adventurous and embracing change.

While all of these things might be values to you, it’s often easier to prioritise our values at a given point in  our life.

For example, while I really love security and familiarity and I’m such a creature of habit; I know that in this point in my own life, I’d rather prioritise adventure and embracing change.

I hope you found that helpful and that you start to live more and more of your life in line with what you truly value.

If you are interested in working therapeutically with me, I am currently offering a FREE consultation session to people. This is to give you a chance to get to know me and to see if online therapy feels comfortable for you.

If you’re still reading this, then perhaps you and I would be a good fit and you can

go ahead and book a free consultation today.

Book A FREE Consultation

Why I do therapy ONLINE

Before I get ahead of myself, let’s look at what online therapy with me is all about?

What is online therapy all about?

Online therapy is similar to conventional therapy but instead of the therapist and the client sitting together in an office, it takes place, well. you guessed it, online. We will use the webcam on your phone or computer to see one another as we talk. So we will still see and hear each other and we can have a proper conversation.

This is very similar to a skype conversation, but instead of using Skype, I use Zoom as it’s more confidential.

So why do I work online, you ask?

 

I was tired of having people say to me,  “I want to go to therapy, but I just don’t have the time”.

Doing therapy ONLINE, makes it suuuper convenient for you in this fast paced world. You can be absolutely anywhere and still get the therapy you need (as long as you have privacy).

Having online therapy is great if you travel a lot or have a crazy busy schedule. You save time by eliminating the time spent getting to a therapist’s office, waiting in the waiting room and driving home in traffic.

Also, and this is quite a big one,  you don’t have to worry about bumping into anybody in the waiting room. This ensures a higher level of confidentiality than in-person therapy.

Many of my clients have told me that they feel more relaxed and open, when they are talking to me online fro their own couch.

Let’s face it, the thought of having a therapy session from your own couch with a big old cup of homemade tea, just feels less daunting than going to a therapist’s office.

Another big pro is that couples who live far away from one another are still able to work through relationship difficulties by meeting online with the therapist. We can all meet together online and have a session even if one person lives in a different time-zone.

Yes, finally some support for couples in long-distance relationships!

Now, it must also be mentioned that online therapy isn’t for everyone. It also requires a stable internet connection.

If you are still reading this, then perhaps you’re interested in online therapy? If so, you can go ahead and book a session with me and see if it’s right for you.

I look forward to meeting you

Donna

What does it mean to Stonewall?

Stonewalling is when your body shuts down your verbal responses, and you turn your body away. This usually occurs in a quarrel.

Interestingly, men and women don’t generally look the same when they stonewall.

Usually when men stonewall during a conflict, they go silent, fold their arms and look down/away for an extended period of time.

On the other hand, stonewalling may be a bit harder to notice in women. Women tend to maintain eye-contact, however their eyes glaze over and their body friezes.

Researchers such as Gottman, have found that partners who are experiencing stonewalling are also experiencing flight or fight symptoms. They are in distress, their hearts race, they may experience tunnel vision and they usually perceive the things their partner says as an attack against them.

Because of this, it’s quite unlikely that the conflict will be resolved well until the person experiencing stonewalling gets a chance to calm down. If you can identify stonewalling in yourself or in your partner during conflict, it’s a good idea to have a short break or cooldown.

I know this is a tall order during a heated conflict, but explaining to your partner that you both just need a short time out (no longer than 30 minutes) to collect your thoughts may become a significant pillar that holds your relationship up.

If you and your partner would like a bit of help figuring it all out and strengthening your relationship, you can book a couple’s therapy session today.

 

Betrayed Partners suffer from PTSD

The Psychologist, Shirley Glass found that betrayed partners almost always suffered from a form of PTSD.

In a similar way to how a soldier may feel after returning from war, betrayed partners are hyper-vigilant and on guard for enemies hiding behind every tree.

They may also experience flashbacks or intrusive negative thoughts in which they imagine their spouse together with the other person.

These thoughts often bring on bouts of rage, panic or numbness. They may also suffer from nightmares and insomnia.

No matter how many times their spouse apologizes, their intrusive thoughts are difficult to stop. They are at the mercy of their PTSD.

It is important to take your feelings seriously and not to expect yourself to just ‘get over it’. This is a difficult time and seeing a therapist might help you to make sense of what is going on.

 

“Every Marriage is a Mistake”

Minuchkin famously said that “Every marriage is a mistake it’s how you deal with it that matters”. Here’s what I think Minuchkin was getting at.

All couples will have perpetual unresolved problems. Yes some couples may have fewer of these than others, but no relationship, no matter how great, can ever be entirely free of these.

This is because, unlike the belief passed on to us through pretty much every soppy love song throughout time, there are no perfectly complimentary couples. No two puzzle pieces that fit together and complete one another.

Don’t worry, this is a good thing, I promise, because it means that you are already a whole human. You don’t need to find someone else to complete you, you are whole in and of yourself.

It also means that you and your partner will sometimes clash. Friction is inevitable, it’s how you deal with it that really counts.

So next time you and your partner find yourselves clashing over something, don’t spend energy getting angry with yourself for clashing, accept that this is a normal part of being in a relationship and devote your energy to dealing with the issue at hand.