Tag: relationship

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What does it mean to “process something”?

 

We get told to ‘go and deal with’ or ‘process’ our issues all the time. But what does this really mean.

As an online therapist, let me break down how I would help a couple ‘processing’ something in couple’s therapy.

I’d start by asking each partner about a past incident, and we’d review it together. Note here that memory is biased and not a perfect recording of the past, so respecting each partner’s view of how it went down is important.  I’d also ask questions about how, whatever it was that happened, went badly and why this sucked for each of you respectively.  I always let both partners express their perspectives on the issue.

Often when people get a chance to express how they truly feel about something and to explain why it is important or so hurtful to them, they get surprised by themselves and end up learning more about themselves as well as learning about their partner.

For example, I had a client who’s partner was irritated with her for refusing to put away the Christmas decorations weeks after Christmas. When she got the chance to talk about this together in therapy she realized that, Christmas was the only time that her family were happy and nice to each other during her childhood.

She figured out that the reason that she wanted the Christmas decorations to stay up was because things were going so well and she was actually a bit scared that she and her partner would start fighting like her parents used to when the decorations were down and Christmas was over. In a way, she didn’t want Christmas to ever end, and by keep the decorations up, she subconsciously thought she could trick herself and her partner into believing that it was still Christmas time.

`She wasn’t consciously aware of this before discussing it in therapy and learned more about herself that day. Her partner was way less irritated with her now too, as he understood where she was coming from.

We also looked at why having the decorations up, irritated him so much and he said that he gets really anxious when things are left around and not put in their place. He was already stressed about work and desperately needed his house to be a place that he could come home to and relax. But seeing the decorations there week after week caused him to get more and more anxious and irritated. Before this talk he just could’t understand why his partner wouldn’t let him take them down, and that made him feel unsupported by her.

Now having both shared their perspective and gotten in touch with their emotions around this issue it was time for them to make a change. They were able to reach a compromise and agreed to leave the decorations out until 2 weeks after Christmas.

Pro tip: A good way to check that a couple has fully processed an incident is to bring it up again at a later stage and see if you are both able to talk about it calmly without getting back into an argument.

If you have some things you need to process in therapy, you can book a session with me today.

I look forward to meeting you.

Donna

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Let’s talk online dating…

Did you know that personal ads account for the meeting that leads to a sixth of the marriages in the US. And seventy percent of same-sex relationships start online. Yet, there is still a bit of a stigma towards online dating… What, why?

Here’s a great piece of info that you can refer to the next time someone makes you feel bad about online dating:

In a 2013 study by Harvard and the University of Chicago, it was revealed that relationships that started online we less likely to end in a break-up and were associated with higher levels of satisfaction than the couples who met offline.

It wasn’t a huge difference, but large enough to be statistically significant. The couples who met online were found to be more satisfied with their marriage and reported a slightly higher quality relationship.

This makes a lot of sense though right,  because online dating breaks the boundaries of location, class and social grouping etc. It can allow you to find someone who shares many of the aspects that you may find more important such as education level, religion and diet such as being vegan.

Of course this doesn’t mean that online dating works for everyone. Many people end up feeling even more lonely while using online dating. It’s just not for everyone.

You might think that if online dating doesn’t work for you, you’d just stop, right? But we actually continue to do a lot of things that don’t work for us.

Whether or not online dating is for you, it clearly works for a lot of people around the world and therefore shouldn’t be looked down upon.

🖤

 

 

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Take That Stone Out Of Your Shoe

“When  a couple has a troubling incident but choose to avoid discussing it, the memory of the event stays like a stone in your shoe” Gottman.

William Faulkner once said “the past is never dead. In fact, it isn’t even past.” When we ignore a troubling event and choose to rather continue without ever addressing it and processing it, we end up carrying it around with us like a stone in our shoe.

So in a way we end up continuing to live in the past. Because, until the past has been processed, we can’t let it go. It keeps sneaking up on us.

Ignoring the stone in your shoe can end up being more painful than dealing with it.

If you find that you and your partner often end up bringing up the same issues in a quarrel, time and time again. Then perhaps there are a couple of stones in your shoes that you need to take out.

Sometimes all this takes is a few honest conversations with your partner. While these might seem uncomfortable at first, and no-one ever wants to sit down and have a difficult time. These conversations can lead to a stronger and more intimate relationship.

If you aren’t used to this, and you don’t know where to even begin, a couple’s therapist can help to guide you gently through this process.

Choose a stronger relationship, choose to address the troubling events that we are all presented with from time to time, take that stone out of your shoe.

 

PS

If you are unsure about whether or not online therapy is right for you and your partner, I offer a free consultation. It’s just a chance for us to meet each other, and for you to get a sense of what online therapy with me is all about. You can book a free consultation on my website.

xoxo

 

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Positive Sentiment Over-ride

Positive sentiment over-ride occurs when your overall positive sentiment towards your partner outweighs the negative.

According to Gottman, when a couple has positive sentiment over-ride, they are more likely to give one another the benefit of the doubt.

For example if your partner is comes home grumpy one day, instead of automatically thinking that they are angry with you or that they are a bad partner; you may think that maybe they just had a bad day or slept badly or something.

Basically positive sentiment over-ride acts as a sort of buffer against irritability in a relationship. You are understanding of your partner and that helps you to be more forgiving and tolerant of your partner.

If your partner comes home grumpy and you have a negative sentiment over-ride, on the other hand, you may interpret your partner’s grumpiness as a reflection of something that you have done. You will probably be hyper-vigilant towards criticism and put downs and therefore end up misinterpreting some of the actions from your partner to be more malicious or careless than they were.

Perhaps developing a stronger positive sentiment over-ride in your relationship could be beneficial to you and your partner. 🖤🖤

 

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Is there a fundamental shift in dynamics that precipitates affairs?

Shirley Glass noticed a fundamental shift in dynamics that tended to precipitate affairs. Usually couples have a shared intimate space in which they can exchange confidences, daily updates, and occasional relationship complaints (which actually help to maintain a strong relationship). It is as if the couple builds a wall around this shared space that keeps others out of their intimate relationship space. 

However, affair-prone partners tend to reach a point in which they stop confiding in each other, stop sharing daily stories and stop raising their relationship complaints. In effect they close off this shared space and replace it with a wall.

They may then meet a friendly person and, over time, they may find that they are able to confide, share daily stories as well as their relationship complains that they are withholding from their partner.

In effect they are opening up a new shared space between them and this new person, which becomes more and more intimate. Eventually the initial walls may become reversed and they end up building a wall around them and this new person which keeps their partner out.

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Can the way that you raise a complaint predict the outcome of your relationship?

Gottman found that by observing the first three minutes of a conflict conversation, he could predict not only how the rest of the conversation would go, but also how the relationship would go 6 years down the road…with high accuracy!

He found that couples who approach conflict gently by explaining how they are feeling about a situation, rather than by bringing up a flaw in the other person’s character had a much better chance of success.

For example, saying something like ” I’m frustrated because the bills aren’t paid” works out better for the couple than saying something like “You’re so lazy, why haven’t you paid the bills yet?”

Being specific about the problem that you want changed is also key in conflict. The more specific you are, the easier it is for your partner to know what to do differently in the future.

For example saying “You need to be more responsible” is vague and unsurprisingly ineffective because it doesn’t give your partner much direction. However saying something like “It would be so helpful for me if you could pay the bills by the end of the week”. This is a much easier for your partner to change as it is clear and direct.

You may not be able to completely avoid conflict in your relationship (as even the strongest relationships have conflict) but you can control how you approach the conflict. This is important because you don’t want to keep repeating the same negative approach as  Gottman has shown that this can have a devastating impact on the relationship.

So remember to gently talk about the situation as opposed to a flaw in your partner and to be specific.

 

 

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Betrayed Partners suffer from PTSD

The Psychologist, Shirley Glass found that betrayed partners almost always suffered from a form of PTSD.

In a similar way to how a soldier may feel after returning from war, betrayed partners are hyper-vigilant and on guard for enemies hiding behind every tree.

They may also experience flashbacks or intrusive negative thoughts in which they imagine their spouse together with the other person.

These thoughts often bring on bouts of rage, panic or numbness. They may also suffer from nightmares and insomnia.

No matter how many times their spouse apologizes, their intrusive thoughts are difficult to stop. They are at the mercy of their PTSD.

It is important to take your feelings seriously and not to expect yourself to just ‘get over it’. This is a difficult time and seeing a therapist might help you to make sense of what is going on.

 

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“Every Marriage is a Mistake”

Minuchkin famously said that “Every marriage is a mistake it’s how you deal with it that matters”. Here’s what I think Minuchkin was getting at.

All couples will have perpetual unresolved problems. Yes some couples may have fewer of these than others, but no relationship, no matter how great, can ever be entirely free of these.

This is because, unlike the belief passed on to us through pretty much every soppy love song throughout time, there are no perfectly complimentary couples. No two puzzle pieces that fit together and complete one another.

Don’t worry, this is a good thing, I promise, because it means that you are already a whole human. You don’t need to find someone else to complete you, you are whole in and of yourself.

It also means that you and your partner will sometimes clash. Friction is inevitable, it’s how you deal with it that really counts.

So next time you and your partner find yourselves clashing over something, don’t spend energy getting angry with yourself for clashing, accept that this is a normal part of being in a relationship and devote your energy to dealing with the issue at hand.